story of a lonely guy

2008-07-28T23:31:00.001+08:00

GAH
ARRGH
WOFFLES

2008-07-27T22:45:00.004+08:00

altar call.

i dont know what made me stood up,
and walk towards the stage.
and with those tears in my eyes,
accepted God.

it was sense of warmth and love.
a feeling undescibable.

2008-07-23T22:30:00.002+08:00

without the lack of unhappiness, there can be no happiness.

all men are born unequal: this is a divine gift. And Want is their birthright.

happiness is possible when people search or long for something that they do not have, or wish to have.

once we posses it, happiness is then possible to occur.

2008-07-17T23:02:00.003+08:00

so crown the king of suffering.

headlines. murder. young man killed.

dreadful ending, evidently suicide.

A witness heard a horrifying sound.

He ran to find a man dead and,

Lying on the ground.......

there he stood in front of you,

as you were nervous, shaking,

a gun in hand.

did you look him in the eye.

he helpless cries of help and despair.

he looked at you with hope.

but you stared back,

with those cold unforgiving eyes.

as you put on your gloves,

did you even felt remorse,

when you pulled the trigger.

the sound richocheted through the conered walls,

piercing the cold night.

his lifeless body fell across the marbled floor,

buried by a sea of blood.

he wondered, did you even cry.

as you cleverly planted a suicide letter on his body.

and you walked away,

without even turning back...

2008-07-16T23:19:00.001+08:00

Oh no, I see,

A spider web is tangled up with me,

And I lost my head,

The thought of all the stupid things I said,

Oh no what's this?

A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,

So I turned to run,

The thought of all the stupid things I've done.

2008-07-10T22:15:00.000+08:00

WOW.

JT FINALLY HAS A TAGBOARDDD! (:

2008-07-08T23:11:00.003+08:00

okay people.
natalie ng forced me to do this post.

NATALIE IS GREAT!

but acutally she isnt,
she is just some crazy woman.
HAHAHAHA! (:

2008-07-08T22:54:00.003+08:00

deux ex machina.

Seems like only yesterday,

Life belong to runaways.

Nothing here to see, no looking back.

Every sound monotone,

Every color monocrome,

Life begin to fade into the black.

Such a simple animal,

Steralized with alcohol.

I could hardly feel me anymore.

Desperate, meaningless.

All filled up with emptiness,

Felt like everything was said and done.

his eyes were dry from the tears,
knees scraped from all the begging,
but you wouldnt just look at me in the eye.

Desperate, meaningless.

All filled up with emptiness,

Felt like everything was said and done.

Knew that it was time to say goodbye.

he felt tired.
so tired.
he layed down,
with his arms spread wide.
he closed his eyes,
as memories poured in hsi mind,
just as the raindrops fell upon his face.

pitter patter, pitter patter.
its been so long since he felt such peace of mind.
pitter patter, pitter patter.
it was finally over.

the raindrops blurred his vision,
as he saw a faint image of a young boy,
who was smiling upon him.
the boy offered his hands,
with a smile,
and said, "young man, let me put water on your wounds."

with that,
the boy carried him,
and helped him to feel alive once more.

a friend lost,

but he could finally breathe once more.

come alive.

thanks jordan! (:

2008-07-02T23:24:00.002+08:00

let his resonance light my way.

Lift me up on my honour,
Take me over this spell.
Get this weight off my shoulders,
I've carried it well.

Loose these shackles of pressure,
Shake me out of these chains,
Dig me out from this thorn tree,
Help me bury my shame.

Hold my hand harder,
Ease my mind.
Roll down the smoke screen,
And open the skies...

Let me fly.
Man I need a release from,
This troublesome mind.
Fix my feet when they’re stumbling.
And well you know it hurts sometimes,
You know it's gonna bleed sometimes.

Now hold on,
I’m not looking for sweet talk.
I’m looking for time.
Top a tower and sleep walk.
Brother, cause it hurts sometimes,
Hold on.

2008-06-29T16:52:00.003+08:00

Oh Lord,

i've never really prayed before.

and i've cursed and sweared at you,

blaming you for everything that has happened in my life.

i guess,

its of no doubt that my this little prayer would go unanswered.

so much has happened.

i look back and i find myself being a complete scum.

the people i loved,

they seem so distant now.

the reflection i see now,

it holds a monster.

i'm tired of being so negative all the time.

i dont want to be so angry, so depressed.

sorrow is an ugly demon,

which tears my soul inside out.

i've been crying at night,

alone on my bed.

he whom has become a part of me,

tells me he no longer needs me in his life one night.

devastated, i am.

but i knew i was to blame.

downhill it all went.

to a point where he detested me,

ignored and avoided my presence.

it claws upon me.

but what could i possibly do.

i've lost faith in all my other friendships.

i dont want to go through the hurt once more.

crossroads at a junction:

to let go,

or blindly hope that things would pick up.

which i know he will never come back to me.

i need directions Lord,

i need signals,

a sign.

my heart's screaming for a new life.

Amen.

2008-06-28T23:41:00.002+08:00

when the world turns their backs on you.

take a look at the mirror,

for who you are.

and you could just mouth the words at your refelction.

fuck you.

2008-06-28T00:06:00.003+08:00

and it seems...

i was right wasnt i.

with the horoscopes:

that you would turn,

and walk away,

and never look back.

it was just a goodbye...

i watched in tears as you walked away.

2008-06-25T22:45:00.002+08:00

Sorrow drips into my heart through a pinhole,

Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound.

But while you debate half empty or half full

It slowly rises,

your love is gonna drown.

2008-06-25T22:41:00.002+08:00

painkillers.

besides the physical hurt,

if only they could numb the pain in me as well.

2008-06-21T01:43:00.002+08:00

Oh sweet lungs, dont fail me now.

these scar tissues,

they hurt him with every step he takes,

his shoulder burns,

with every move he makes.

regaining the power he once had,

it never seemed so hard.

but he knows.

he has to press on.

he's weak.

but he has found strength from within.

stay strong boy.

the story has a new chapter.

2008-06-18T02:28:00.000+08:00

take a knee.

you hands in mine.

goodbye.

amen.

2008-06-16T00:56:00.002+08:00

Hands into a fist,

Static in my head.

Open up my eyes,

Flooded with daylight.

Another sleepless night turns color black and white.

The storm is letting up,

but it won't die.

If you weren't wrong, was I?

Your picture still remains,

but I wonder are you still the same?

Time to close my eyes,

Forget about this mess.

Tried to fix this tragic loss of innocence.

But how can I forget,

The things I have inside,

When everything is dead?

I never wanted it to hurt more than it should.

I hope you're satisfied,

I never could.

2008-06-12T03:01:00.003+08:00

and they said silence was golden.

Loneliness never shined like this.

Caught between the stars,

A well lit drowning.

Darkness mocks me with

A broken compass.

So I swim in a sea of distress,

Broken down, and helpless.

2008-06-10T03:13:00.002+08:00

echoes. silence. patience. grace.

Wish I were with you,

I couldn't stay.

Every direction leads me away.

Pray for tomorrow,

But for today,

All I want is to be home.

Stand in the mirror,

You look the same.

Just lookin' for shelter,

From cold and the pain.

Someone to cover,

Safe from the rain.

All I want is to be home.

Echoes and silence,

Patience and grace.

All of these moments,

I'll never replace.

No fear of my heart,

Absence of faith.

All I want is to be home.

People I've loved,

I have no regrets.

Some I remember,

Some I forget.

Some of them living,

Some of them 'dead'.

All I want is to be home.

2008-06-01T02:27:00.002+08:00

faust, midas and myself.

This one's about a dream.

I had last night.

How an old man tracked me home.

And stepped inside.

He put his foot inside the door.

And gave a crooked smile.

Something in his eyes.

Something in his laugh.

Something in his voice.

That made my skin crawl off.

He said, "I've seen you here before.

I know your name.

You could have your pick,

Of pretty things.

You could have it all:

Everything at once.

Everything you've seen,

Everything you'll need,

Everything you've ever had in fantasies."

I woke up from my dream,

As a golden man.

With a girl I've never seen,

With golden skin.

I jumped up to my feet.

She asked me what was wrong.

I began to scream.

I don't think this is me.

Is this just a dream,

Or really happening?

What direction?

I'm splitting up!

This is my personal disaffection!

I looked outside the glass.

At golden shores,

Golden ships and masts,

With golden cords.

As my reflection passed,

I hated what I saw:

My golden eyes were dead.

And a thought passed through my head.

A heart that is made of gold can't really beat anything at all.

I wanted to wake up again.

Without a touch of gold.

What direction?

Death or action!

Life begins at the intersection.

I woke up as before.

But the gold was gone.

My wife was at the door.

With her night robe on.

My heart beat once or twice.

And life flooded my veins.

Everything had changed.

My lungs had found their voice.

And what was once routine,

was now the perfect joy.

You've one life,

One life left to lead

2008-05-30T23:37:00.002+08:00

heaven.

white lights.
they hanged above room.
white walls.
they surround him.
people in white,
they closed in on him.

there he was,
layed helpless on the bed of white.
an aura of death that looms over him.
the smell of medications purged his lungs

a numbing pain.
white light.

peace.

2008-05-24T00:47:00.003+08:00

Nobody said it was easy.
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be this hard.

i dont want to carry on like this.
i feel empty.
i've lost a part of me.
i dont want to live in the past anymore.
i'm sorry for all those stuff i put you through.
i really regret.
so much.

all that i ask for now is that you just talk to me.
and treat me like how you would treat everyone else.
stop being so cold to me.
stop hiding things from me.
you know it yourself.
you can laugh and seem interested in every other conversations.
all except me and you.

its not that you dont know why your treating me like that.

its just a simple conversation.
its all i ask for.

2008-05-21T22:25:00.002+08:00

even juggernauts fall,
lest a boy with a big heart.

i'm gonna crawl my way out alone.
laugh at me all you want.

2008-05-20T00:34:00.003+08:00

the fire has burnt out tonight.

his eyes burnt,
with deep anguish and regrets.
the fire that he tried so hard to keep,
its glaring flames burning and igniting,
though it devoured so much of his time and tears.

but he loved its brilliance and its warmth.
he loved its company,
which was an overwhelming sense of serenity he could turn to.
he danced along with it,
and sang under the moonlight together with it,
he never felt so alone with this unique company of his.

not anymore.

it was a crazed night.
the wind was howling, leaves rustling,
as his forlorn eyes told his tale,
his inner demons took over him.
he cried, with bittersweet sorrow.
the tears, they flowed, they dripped,
extinguishing the flames.

he glanced down,
by god! what has he done.
a close friend was lost once more,
by the hands of this monster he saw in his reflection,
reflected by the river of bitterness.

i'm sorry.
goodbye. fire.

you look wonderful tonight.

2008-05-20T00:21:00.001+08:00

The words to say,

The road to take,

To find a way back to your heart.

What can I do,

To get to you,

And find a way back to your heart.

2008-05-17T00:07:00.001+08:00

Are you afraid of being alone?
Cause I am,
I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight?
Cause I am,
I'm lost without you

2008-05-12T23:30:00.002+08:00

day seven.

and its the end of this cool off period.

would things even change.

i just want to be swept away by love again.

2008-05-12T22:55:00.003+08:00

your coldness chills me to the very core.

whats wrong now.
everything i say, you just want to talk back.
you wont even tell me anything.
you totally ignore my presence.
am i really that detestable.

i've tried.
i really did.
you arent satisfied.

i just need reasons,
as to why your enjoying hurting me like that.
i dont want to be treated like this anymore.
i'm begging you to stop.
please.
stop pushing me.
stop choking me.
i'm about to crack.

i just want things to go back to how they once were.

2008-05-10T14:47:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANIEL JOSHUA LEE WEI HU! (:

-HUGS! (:

2008-05-10T14:43:00.005+08:00

day four.
and you've finally initiated a conversation.
i must say i'm happy.

but how long would this happiness last.

dont come and go. please.

2008-05-08T20:29:00.003+08:00

day 3.

you dont seem to notice my helpless cries.

talk to me. please.

2008-05-07T00:55:00.000+08:00

day one begins.

and it already feels like hell.

2008-05-03T23:37:00.003+08:00

take everything. every last piece of me.

why.
after all these times.
i treated you like my real brother.
ignoring all the hurt you put me through.
yet you cant tell me.
that you need me in your life.
and that you want me to leave.

and you asked me.
isnt this what i wanted:
to be free from all the hurt.
why.

all i wanted.
was for someone to pick me when i fall.
for someone to share my hopes and dreams with.
someone to turn to for encouragement.
someone to love and be loved in return.

it used to be like that.
the past.
yes, the past, the past, the past.
the times we clicked.
why do you leave me dwelling on the happy past,
leaving me with nothing now.
why.

i hanged on to this hope,
that you would come back.
just come back.
putting up with everything you put me through.
but no, you never did.
why.

does it even bother you now.
now that you asked me to leave.
would you even notice my presence gone.
would you even remember me.

i've got noone to turn to now.
i cant let go.
slap me.
and tell me that you dont need me anymore.

2008-04-29T23:15:00.003+08:00

tears in heaven.

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same

If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong

And carry on,

'Cause I know, I don't belong

Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand

If I saw you in heaven?

Would you help me stand

If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way

Through night and day,

'Cause I know I just can't stay,

Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,

Time can bend your knees.

Time can break your heart,

Have you begging please,

begging please.

Beyond the door,

There's peace I'm sure,

And I know there'll be no more

Tears in heaven.

thanks hendricks, for the ice cream treat.

thanks nick yau, for the letter.

thanks rico, for playing and singing for me this song 'live'. (:

finally, an outstanding birthday.

2008-04-26T00:15:00.002+08:00

cos all of the stars are fading away.
just try not to worry.
you'll see them some day.
take what you need,
and be on your way,
and stop crying your heart out.

i don't wanna lose anymore.

2008-04-07T21:30:00.003+08:00

hope, dangles on a string.

like slow spinning redemption.

he was so full of hope,

from the start,

gold, was what he pushed so hard for.

hope, it gave him wings,

brought him so high up there.

why didnt you pull him down.

it slowly dwindled from within.

setbacks and outcomes,

he was so afraid of that excruciating hurt.

why was he so stubborn.

what was his plan;

to go on until he was stopped,

but he knew,

he would never be stopped.

with broken wings he fell.

sky high, hit rockbottom.

facefirst, at terminal velocity.

bloodied, with broken joints,

wings clipped.

where was he to run to now.

to whom was he to turn to.

he only has himself to blame.

for wanting to win so badly.

2008-03-31T22:38:00.003+08:00

fingers point.

his heart burns,

frustrations from within,

so much magic he wants to create,

but why cant he.

his wings are clipped,

whats holding him back.

all his former glories seem like a facade.

and he is begging you for help.

why wont you.

2008-03-26T22:38:00.003+08:00

little Lord of Hope,
i'm harsh with you.
You own everything i've lost.
i despise the keeping,
and i loathe the losing.

where can a man live, beteween two hates.

2008-03-25T22:57:00.003+08:00

it burns.
deep.

so much things have happened lately.
i'm really tired.
i feel so much hurt.
physically and mentally.

how much does it take to just play one's best.
why does it seem, i can never play against the blue and yellow jerseys.
why does it seem, the visions of glory seems so near yet so far.
why does it seem, to hurt so much.
why does it seem, as though you dont care.

i want to stop thinking.
of all this pain.
i had enough of what life throws me all the time.
i dont have you by my side, to pull me through this.
i'm tired of just asking you to freaking care.
really.
i had enough of these continous poundings in my head,
that never fails to echoe inside out.
i cant sleep at night.
i'm swallowed whole by my fears and insecurities.
fingernails bitten.

i just want all these to stop.
i just want to sleep.
i need my haven.

so hand me those panadols.
i'm tired.

2008-03-15T22:29:00.004+08:00

have you ever been alone in a crowded room.

he pushed so much.
he was there for the others,
pulling them, pushing them on,
yet, he goes unappreciated.
were you ever there to pat him on a back,
and say a just a word of thanks.

you think he wanted so much injuries.
and he's pushing himself so hard,
strengthening his shoulder,
how badly, he wants to play at his best again.
how badly, he wants to lift and dump the man running.

how badly, he wants to go against you.

he's trying his best.
to get his strength back.
yet you all blame him for slow balls.
he is feeling so angry, so frustrated with himself.

did you even encouarge him,
pull him up.

no.

and the whole damn world thinks your so damn good now.
i bet your happy.

i bet you are...

i'm sorry.
i just cant run, its killing me...

2008-03-02T13:11:00.004+08:00

where do you run to, so far away.

you never wanted to help him through this.
you never bothered to.
it tasted sweet only at the beginning.
now a poisonous black.

he never wanted to be so negative.
its just that the weight of his shoulders gets heavier by the day.
it changed his perspective of life.
it changed him.
everyday, he was fed with venomous emotions,
from things he loved and cared for.
the hideous black, slithering its way up his veins,
its razor fangs sank deep in his bones,
as his heart was engulfed by his inner demons.
his eyes were blinded by jealousy,
strength fueled by anger,
his will to carry on was almost depleted.
he never wanted to be like this.

never did...

and his crawling.
towards this light.
towards your hand,
but he saw fear in your eyes.
a sense of remorse and regret,
he never should have entered your life.
you was slowly shaping you,
into another monster like himself.
he knew he had to stop,
he couldn't pull you down with him.

he reached out,

grabbed your hand,
with tears in his eyes,

pulled you in for a final hug.

gathering all his strength left,

he pushed you away,

he let go.

the water was slowly rising up...

2008-03-01T16:22:00.002+08:00

why does it seem as though everything that happens,
its always my fault.
i dont know.
really.
i'm tired of all these.
is it really so hard for you,
just to show care and concearn.
you say your numb,
what about me.
does it even bother you about how i feel.
i've feel so much in me.
ok. you've never really done anything to help.
i just wanted someone to confide in,
you just shunned me.
i never wanted things to be like this.
all i wanted was to love and be loved.

i'm sorry.
for screwing up your life.
but i guess.
its just too late to apologise.

2008-02-24T13:02:00.003+08:00

the prestege.

are you watching closely.

life is but a simple stage.
where magicians roam and showcase their little acts.
to try to impress the audiences.
we try, our very best, to outdo the others,
often getting hurt, traumatised and demoralised.
yet the spectators are clapping on for another.

we push so hard,
yet the person next to us,
they get the credit and attention.
we break our bones for a simple trick,
yet the other person gets the clapping instead of us.

the audiences, at one-sided creatures.
they look, only at how spectacular an act is.
instead of looking through the 'magic cloth'.
to see, the amouint of effort we put in.

2008-02-19T22:29:00.004+08:00

dreamers deserve what they get.

dreamers, are people who dare to dream.
dream of ideals and goals,
that we are so eager to achieve no matter what happens.

and he was so full of himself.
raring to go, eager to win, anticipating to be the best out there,
on the field, making the biggest tackles, creating the grandest tries.
so ready was he,
to prove himself out there.
so ready was he,
to show everyone.
that he was bigger than his body.

look at where his ideals landed him into,
a helpless state plagued by disappointments and injuries,
a torment of physical and mental pain,
totally overhwelmed by this dreams he set out for.
to be the best,
his season, is at risk.
he has lost everything,
he fought for.
things, that were a part of him.
turned their backs on him.
he wanted to love and be loved by his closest friends,
look at how things ended.
so full of agony and differences between them.

one by one,
pieces of his life were fading away.
how much longer, just how much,
can he hold onto,
this small hope, (crush it)
that lingers in him.
these lines of blahsphemy that he walks everyday.
it will never end.
he is still falling,
where is he now.
he doenst even know what he has done.
to desreve this.

who is God.
we are, our own Gods.
we control, the things we want to do.
things, that happen to us,
we can prevent it.
but do we.

2008-02-10T13:52:00.000+08:00

points of authority.

You love the way.
I look at you.
While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through.
You take away if I give in.
My life,
My pride is broken.

You love the things.
I say I'll do.
The way I hurt myself again just to get back at you.
You take away when I give in.
My life,
My pride is broken.

2008-02-03T21:22:00.000+08:00

so set a fire into the night.

you make him think.
is he the only real one in this world.
is he the only one who feels.

touch his heart,
can you feel it cold and beating.
where are you to give him warmth.
look into his eyes,
can you feel his sorrows.
where are you to share his burdens.
feel his scarred hands,
can you feel his hurt.
where are you to provide solace for his tortured soul.
if you placed your hands on his face,
and wiped his tears with a finger,
dont you realise,
it is real.

for all the love he had to give to the world,
was there anything he ever asked for in return.
for all he had to give to you,
what have you done for him.
why cant you be the different one from the rest.
to take the intiative.
to be the one that reaches out your hands to pull him up,
instead of laughing and talking to the rest,
oblivious to his sufferings,
adding to his pain and misery.
why cant you help.

all he ever wanted.
was for you to recognise his efforts,
to love and be loved.
and with the weight of the world on his shouolders,
he shall search.
and touch the hearts of many.
lift the skull of these people,
and by god,
his blueprints are all over them.
but who was to help him?

In the dead of the night.
What a terrible silence,
Of the voices within our minds.
Are we helpless and tired of trying.

So help me, oh heaven.
Tear down all the walls.
Keep me safe with my own device.

And I’m trying to back away.
But you wouldn’t just let me be
So leave me alone.

2008-01-23T22:29:00.000+08:00

roses.

in his hands was a red rose,
so full of red,
so full of love.
as time passed by,
the petals withered and drifted to the ground,
a crimson red on the floor.

his tears fell flat on the petals,
now a hideous black emerged on the ground.
he glanced down,
the black hole of oblivion he had created,
he was sinking into depression.

he throws his shame down to his room,
he tries to smile but its no use,
and he is wagering his life.
his feeling helpless,
they'll see the pain behind his eyes,
as if the world finally decides.

His dying.
his dying to know why they love him so.
he lost faith, his gonna stray in, his letting go.
his dying.
his dying to know how they love him so.

he lay face down and hit the ground.
with a peace of mind,
he closed his eyes.
and when it rains,
that changes,
it washes his pain away.
they'll send him roses,
and his fine now,
you'll save him from the fall.( dont save him).

to be loved is an undescribable feeling.
and to see you smile,
is the gretaest joy.
and to see you share these feelings,
amongst your friends,
its all worth it.

treasure them.

2008-01-12T23:38:00.000+08:00

trauma.

after the collision he took,
he impact he recieved to his jaw,
he felt such immense pain,
but who was there to help.
he gritted and beared with the pain,
continuing shouting his lungs out in the field.
but who was there to help.

there he layed,
so lonely and cold.
where were you when he needed you.
the way his mind wrecked havoc,
the intense pain throbbed in his face,
while you were oblivious to his suffering,
you turned your back on him,
and went on to play your match.

when he felt so weak,
and just collasped,
were you there to pick him up,
when his nerves were oppressed by the swelling,
when he couldnt move at all,
were you there to lend your helping hand.

where he was in the room,
so bitter and cold,
with sorrowful tears dripping from his forlorn eyes,
how much he wished for you to be there,
to stop this shivering that was overwheliming him,
to stop his crazed mind from taking over him,
to stop this excruciating pain he was experiencing.
but no, you werent there.
he couldnt move at all,
pins and needles in his fingers and legs,
how much fear he had,
you didnt know.
where were you then.

when he was in the car to hospital,
he was shaking and shivering,
with the trauma he was experiencing,
he felt so cold and alone.
he wanted so bad to stop this pain.
he wanted so bad for you to be here with him.
he wanted so bad for you to pull him through this.

he felt so tired.
he was.
he thought, this was it.
this was how his life was going to end.
he wanted to close his eyes,
to end his suffering.
but no, each time he did,
romano would scream at him and nudge him,
"wake up! dont sleep on me! your gonna be alright."
"wake up! hospital's here!"
"JT! JT! Wake up!"

each time, his life just flashed past him,
in, out, though, and out.
images, friends, everything flashed past.
he felt so afriad,
to die here, so alone.
he wasnt afraid of death.
but to die alone,
was a suffering.
he wished for you to be here now.
to give him a hug,
he wished you were here,
to stop this pain.
even when he wanted to feel the rain,
he couldnt.
as he was locked in,
kept out of contact.
he felt so alone.
he thought he was going to die so alone.

with all the love he gave to the world.
this was how he was going to die.
all alone.
without anyone who cares.

I found a dark, infernal place.
I don't want to face anymore
Somehow, I won't stop feeding the pain
My heart's just the same as before.

If this is all the love my spirit can give,
Just take it back tonight,
There is not a reason more to live.

2008-01-05T18:17:00.000+08:00

A little's enough.

I'm sorry I have to say it,

but you look like you're sad.

Your smile is gone;

I've noticed it bad

The cure is if you let in just a little more love,

I promise you this, a little's enough.

Just a little's enough....

2008-01-05T14:52:00.000+08:00

the drops of rain they fall all over.

he wondered why,

they were so fierce today,

clawing him, whipping him, torturing him,

while his skin tore,

with every drop blistering his back,

it hurt, yes, it did hurt,

it hurt, on the inside,

yet it hurt on the outside,

head buried under his arms,

his crazed mind is having another relaspe,

images flashed by,

in, out, they came and went,

he felt so inferior,

inferior to 'him',

he was weak,

felt so weak, so helpless, so useless,

he couldnt withstand even the slightest drops from the sky,

it seemed like missiles launched at him,

now an inch, half an inch, approaching him now, a second more,

the bombs struck him again.

he knelt down,

screaming his anguish into the rain,

praying for the skies to clear for him,

he musn't admit defeat.

will you come home and stop this pain tonight?

2007-12-26T15:00:00.000+08:00

Christmas.

ah. once again,
its that time of the year.
people having gatherings with their beloved friends or families.
you could possibly imagine the fun in joy in possibly every single house now.
kids exhilarated with opening their presents,
whatever they wished for.

ah. once again.
i'm stuck at home during the eve and christmas itself.
doing what?
push ups i might say.
haha. come to think of it,
its rather dumb working out during christmas.
while everyone's out celebrating.

presents.

and you asked me what i want this year,
i don't need boxes wrapped in strings.
yet just for things to get better.
and police cup'08, a special present that would be.
at times i just find myself waking up in the middle of the night,
with tears in the eyes,
reeling from the wonderful dream i had earlier on.
overwhelmed with joy,
as the cup held high above our heads.
i could see myself kneeling down,
rasing my arms in triumph.
after my whole life,
a win Finally.
i don't want to wake up from this dream.
ah.

sorry boy.
i so wanted to talk to you.
but i was afraid of being snubbd by you.
just like how i approached you for help.

on the other side of the coin,
i know of this friend.
who claims he spent his most awesome christmas everrr.
how lucky.
hahaha. cheers to love bro! :)

2007-12-21T23:50:00.000+08:00

When all seems lost...

year 2008.

yes, it seems so bleak for us.

everyone doesnt seem to believe in us.

or in fact me.

since our own teammates seem to be looking forward to 09 instead.

yea. 09.

sure win. glory. first. champion.

everyone just wishes for 08 season to pass.

regardless whether we win or lose.

since we all think we have no hope.

i want to win.

i really want to.

at least for once, in 5 years.

and this isnt a one man show.

i need you.

this is a plead.

s.o.s

ahhh. thanks bro!
and i know you will be there for me.
first time in 7 years.
it really means alot. :)

2007-12-20T00:43:00.000+08:00

when you thought you had all the answers...
I change the questions.

just when you had everything,
and nothing could ever change this wonderful path of ours,
we all are overwhelmed with confidence and at times arrogance.
we all think nothing could ever take it away from us.
we are often filled with abundance of everything.
when all of a sudden our whole world just crashes apart,
when we thought we had all the answers.
the questions are changed.

just when the odds are against us,
when we thought all was lost,
and we are about to throw in the towel,
this is the time where we get up stronger,
from another knockdown.
we prepare for the amount of blows that are going to rain down on us.
come what may, bloodied, bruised and battered.
we shall fight to the bitter end.
bones broken, as emergency relief shall arrive.
a hero shall lift our spirits up,
healing our sorrows and hurt.
we shall stay strong and battle.
be it on the field or in life.
just when you thought you had all the answers...
i change the questions.

forget me boy.
i was never worth it.
treasure him.
for 08. please.
stay with me.

2007-12-10T22:39:00.000+08:00

i'l walk these lines of blasphemy.

when we often feel as though we have done everything we could,
yet we dont get we want,
we feel like as though we have failed,
and our lives seem to go downhill from here.
for all the effort and hardwork we have put in,
no matter how hard we push ourselevs and tell ourselves to never falter,
we still go down, head-first.

at this point of time,
we would often find ourselves,
cursing and swearing upon our downfall,
questioning God's motives of our creation,
making us, only to break us.
we ask him whether he is blind,
unable to sense everything we have put in,
only to get shit in return.
when all things fail,
we often blame God for our misfortune.
be it in having lost a dear friend, sustaining a threatening injury,
or when our world just seem to fall apart.

Do you feel like you've lost everything you can lose?
This is it, can you hear me.
When you cry do your fears ever chill up the room,
Calling out in a moment of need.
Do you ever lay awake with a look in the eye,
Asking god if a wish is too big to deny.

I will offer a line.
And it is ready for use.
Let me know are you ready for me.

2007-12-05T00:24:00.000+08:00

We can feel almost anything.

how we often feel lonely,
sometimes to the point of tears,
but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry.
or how we feel a surge of love for a close one,
but we don't say anything because we're frozen with the fear,
of what those words might do to the relationship.

these negative emotions,
horror, fear, anxiety, jealousy,
we ought to throw ourselves into these emotions.
by allowing ourselves to dive in,
all the way, over your head even,
you experience them fully and completely.

from here,
we know what love is,
we know what grief is,
we know what pain is.
and then we can say,
"all right. i have experienced that emotion.
not i need to detach from that emotion.
i don't have to let it control me."

if you hold back on the emotions,
run away from them,
if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them,
you can never be detached.
you will be too busy being afraid,
afraid of the pain,
afraid of the grief,
you're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

hoho. i told you bro!
white stufffff! :)

2007-12-04T02:07:00.000+08:00

theres a clamor in these whisperings tonight.

sometimes we say or do things yet we mean another.
do we often wish for the other party to decipher the hidden message.
sometimes a short sentence or a single word,
might weigh a deeper meaning in it.
it might be a sentence that doesnt mean a thing,
but we can tell if it comes from the bottom of one's heart.
this single sentence is equailvalent to a thousand words,
inexplainable, yet satisfying,
to express one's great joy, or utmost disappointment.

sometimes we dont say a word.
yet we can sense that the people close to us are hurt.
we want to help them,
however, we often dont dare to approach them.
for fear of them ignoring,
or knowing that we are the cause of their pain.
as a result,
we often find ourselves lying to our closest people,
just to satisfy their emotions.

at times like this,
give this person a hug.
as love always wins.

i'l miss you this week boy.

2007-12-01T21:29:00.000+08:00

Psycological suicide.

fuck it all.

fucking useless shit.

fucking weakling.

screw all those miss tackles.

fuck.

you think your so fucking good.

fuck you.

ok.

you cant even lift tackle.

fuck you.

dislocations and injuries all the time.

even He can lift all he wants with ease.

and you fucking know he's holding back ok.

you know he's scorning you.

he thinks so little of you.

and everyone thinks he is some hard tackler.

not you ok.

your just fucking shit.

he feels good with each lift.

and your just hindering his performance.

fucking piece of shit.

yet you cant do anything about it.

and you just laugh it off like a loser.

you cant fucking lift.

everyone thinks ur shit.

your just some fucked up small kid.

you arent someone with the big heart anymore.

no more big tackles.

just plain miss tackles.

go fucking die.

be the best?

fuck it.

your fucking born to lose.

so fuck off.

you feel so depressed isnt it.

you fucking mind's spinning right.

when you were down and out,

everyone's involved in their own things.

fuck off.

you dont mean much at all.

go bleed to death.

2007-12-01T00:49:00.000+08:00

Teachers.

our culture doesnt encourage us to think about things until we're about to die.
we're so wrapped up in egotistical things,
career, family, having enough money, materialistic stuff,
we're so involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going.

so we dont get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying,
"is this all?
is that all i want?
is something missing?"

we all need someone to probe us in that direction.
it won't just happen automatically.
fact is,
we all need teachers in our lives.
tachers who will set us thinking,
about our lives,
the rights and wrongs,
actions and consequesnces,
whether we have led our life meaninglessly all these while.

and these teachers,

they can be anyone in our life.

be it a total stranger, close relative or friend.

and i know who mine is.

2007-11-27T01:42:00.000+08:00

The Tension Of Opposites.

life is a series of pulls backs and forth.

you want to do one thing,

but you are bound to do something else.

Something hurts you,

yet you know it shouldnt.

You take certain things for granted,

even when you know you should never take anything for granted.

A tension of opposites,

is like a pull on a rubber band.

And most of us live somewhere in the middle.

So which side wins, you may ask.

Love wins.

Love always wins.

2007-11-25T00:07:00.000+08:00

There you stood in disbelief,
Trying all you could to see through these lies.
And every word that I could breathe,
Would you find more inclined to leave,
but I tried.
And knowing what I’ve done to you,
With every thought you suffer through.
My heart as black as evil can.
And everything I could have been,
Erased by what I wanted then,
I couldn’t think a lesser man.

All the delicate ways,
That I deepened our graves,
My apology pales.

Oh, the pain in your eyes,
My regrets have never known such sorrow Oh,
the shame that you hide,
Resolutions are the same tomorrow.

So now I reap what I have sewn,

and any rapture I had shown has bled dry

And I walked the streets alone,

accepting pain I’d never known,

as you died.

Then I hurt myself to see it too,

to feel the knife I put in you.

My heart as broken as my ways .

I never should’ve let it pass,

this fall was never meant to last,

The reason gone and damage stays.

2007-11-23T01:35:00.000+08:00

test of friendship.

complete disapointment yet again.

2007-11-19T00:58:00.001+08:00

Just like the words, we used to say.

Just like the battles, we fought before.

Just like our bodies, and our souls.

Fade away, just like our memories.

Fade away, just like our families.

Over and over.

When will we love, before it's too late?

The Departure.

2007-11-15T15:50:00.000+08:00

Ah, the memories shared.
it brought back laughter.

but for the first time in months,
he was lost for words.

2007-11-10T00:08:00.000+08:00

eyes open to splattered blood.

cold tile mocks him as he,

arise to find the knife is still in his back.

as shifting thoughts now slow with venom.

take him as he staggers...

as he thirst for vengeance,

his heart struggles to come to grips;

why would you leave him to die, turn, and walk away?

alone, you stood so still as you watched him break.

did it now kill you too?

what has led you to the dagger my friend?

hypocricy amidst these cold tears left with the betrayed,

these empty drops of despair shall sink,

even his most hopeful ships,

set voyage across the choppy waves.

make it stop, make this pounding in my head stop;

fill my lungs with air;

i need to breathe.

for a moment.

make it stop, make this pounding in my head stop.

i don't know what happened...

who would have thought my life would end up like this?

I can't feel my legs and I can't even cry...

how could somebody die like this?

never knew that silence could cut so deep or that you could twist the blade

2007-11-06T23:53:00.000+08:00

he felt his mind dirfting into a state of psycological suicide,
once again, he had carefully crafted his demise.

sensing his hands inching towards the blade,
his fingers having a mind of their own,
as it tigtened the grip around the handle.
he lifted the piece of metal up,
putting it close to his mouth,
as his tongue connected with the steel,
it tasted to cold and unreal to him.
but he knew.

placing its sharp edge on his wrist,
its steel so cold and vicious to the touch.
ah, the blade slithered across his skin,
oh, did he grimace in pain?
did his eyes blink,
as the crimson red erupted from the cut,
affected deeply by the shame from losing.
as the red blob of despair trickled down his wrist,
making its way down into oblivion in the dark.

there he layed,
with the ceiling light blinking above him,
his only source of hope so dim.
he prayed for the first time,
for answers to eradicate,
these negative emotions from within.
he hated himself,
for nurturing them and killing himself on thr inside,
every single time.
he's tired.
of losing.

2007-11-05T01:02:00.000+08:00

were u here to lift him or break him.

your presence,
it makes him feel occupied yet empty.
your words seem have an impact on him.
bringing hope from within,
yet shattering his inner soul.

and it seems,
they're in two entirely different worlds.
positive and negative.
its unique attraction,
which served as frequent misunderstandings,
when they dont see eye to eye.

and why does it seem to be,
you were given a perfect everything.
yet he is constantly demoralised by the daily challenges,
that he can never seem to truimph.

he'll never be able to beat you in reality,
no matter what he does,
or tell himself, that he musnt lose to you.
even in the smallest battles,
his defeat would still occur.
with his spirit trampled by shame.

fact is,
he's torn between love and hate.
with the shame he feels amplified by the fact that you're someone close.
he wants to win,
yet he knows he would never be able to do so.

Ever.

2007-10-25T22:13:00.000+08:00

he's put himself in another destructive situition.

jealousy, an ugly rage,

its raging in him.

his bloodshot eyes set to kill,

his worthless prey that had all he wanted.

the moonlight embraced him in the night.

this anger, it burned within.

as his crazed thoughts were becoming a reality.

overpowering strength seized him,

as he felt a metamorphisis take place.

his muscles bulged,

his hind legs felt so powerful.

razor sharp fangs glimmered in the moonlight.

metalite claws instilled cold fear through the dark.

an deafening howl pierced the night,

as all was left were torn fabric;

shattered remains of the man he once was,

a tortured soul wrecked by inferiority.

its nose twitched,

as the scent of vengeance was picked up.

its fangs sank deep into its victim,

crippled by fear and horror.

three cheers for sweet revenge,

his tender flesh juiced with every bite.

as a crimson red spilled the night,

covering the stars in sight.

Today's on fire.

The sky is bleeding above me,

and I am blistered

I walk these lines of blasphemy, every day.

I feel diseased.

Is there no sympathy from the sun?

2007-10-17T22:00:00.000+08:00

his fear of losing,

its turning into jealousy and selfishness.

his pure innocence once known,

morphed into a monster in disguise.

you never knew,

when he could stab once your back is turned on the field,

getting stronger with every blood stained dagger,

followed by crocodile shed tears.

his hate within unexplainable.

as few try to fathom but fail.

this award which meant so much to him.

how many hearts was he going to make bleed ,

on his path to his own personal glory,

once he held it high above his head.

selfish and uncaring to their helpless cries.

take a look at the mirror boy.

this devil of yourself you've created.

fighting amongst ur brothers.

as crimson red shall spill the starry night.

you've gone too far alright.

shame and regret, yes it shall plague you.

stop trying to prove that ur better then everyone out there.

ur selffish endeavous will get you nowhere.

fuck.

yet he still wants this badly.

2007-10-10T23:46:00.000+08:00

and suddenly he felt his whole world tore apart.
he so hated this particular type of family talks.
to be exact, this was probably the first.

the awkward silence.

the uneasy silence engulfing the living room.
with only the head of the house giving her speech.
with everyone listening in solemn.
he knew it was a major problem.
with both parents as good as losing thier jobs.

the awkward silence.

not knowing what to feel.
anger, hopelessness, or despair.
his mum looking calm on the surface.
but he knew she was tearing on the inside.
yet, he did not know what to do or say.

the awkward silence.

he knew there was going to have major changes in his lifestyle.
no more maid.
both parents staying at home even after he comes back from school.
money here is an issue now.

and he felt the pressure overwhelming him.
he knew his mum was trying very hard to give him everything she still has.
tuitions, whatever.
yet he always talked about giving up on maths.
he now knew it broke her heart each time.

his mind was in a whirl.
he knew things were never going to be the same again.
good things never seemed to last.
how long more can these false smiles,
hide the pain he was facing.
he was so afraid he would blow up one day.

come what may,
he really hoped his 2 dearest friends,
they wouldnt turn their backs on him one day.

2007-10-07T23:34:00.000+08:00

time flies like a flip of a page of a book.

people that he seemed to know yesterday,

they seemed to be differant the next.

words that they spoke created an impact then,

but seemed meaningless the next.

friendships that meant everything to him,

seemed to dwindle away by the day.

he paused to wonder.

would he be missed if he was gone.

how long can everlasting relations really last.

even stone walls will be demolished one day.

2007-09-30T22:39:00.002+08:00

these thoughts they haunt him,

blood sweat and tears,

with nothing to gain, and everything to fear.

lies and deceptions seem to dwell in him like a drug.

he just dug himself a bottomless pit,

with the shovel out of reach somewhere.

yet, here he is lamenting and self reproaching,

when he probably knew what caused all these all along.

this stubborness in him ought to go,

when he shunned from outstreched hands.

he knew it wasnt pity,

yet he did not know why the refusal of relief.

did he believe he could crawl his way out of this dark abyss.

daily plucking out splinters from under his bloodied nails,

brave the untolerable pain from his scabs and wounds.

but what was he trying to prove.

that he could achieve things by his own?

what drove him till this state?

was this the price to pay for glory,

or was it plain stupidity in him.

how long had he been searching for answers,

he felt his head throb.

he screamed all of his questions out.

but they richocheted back like echoes drowning him.

he was exhausted from hiding amongst the shadows along,

refusing to accept the brilliant rays of the sun to lift him.

but he knew he had to get this story going on.

he ran on to a new chapter.

2007-09-25T22:28:00.000+08:00

the flames ignited,

as the smell of burnt wood dissipated into the woods.

sparks evovled from the flames,
sending fireflies dancing in the moonlight with a magnificent sight.

the cackling of the fire echoed deep into the forest.

was the beautiful view real, he pondered.

following that,

he reached out into the flames.

its warmth engulfing his soul.

only to withdraw his hands after his hands were scorched.

yes, it was real.

suddenly for the first time,

he realised the purity of fire.

it hungered and devoured everything in its way,

spitting its burnt ashes into a dark abyss.

yet it provided a solace for him,

as he felt the shimmering light glaring within him,

igniting the darkness inside.

he felt his fears melt away,

leaving behind a fire of burning passion.

once again,

he admired the magnificent view in sight.

and danced along with his flaming friends in the moonlight glow.

he enjoyed this company from his buddies.

he grabbed one of them in the sky.

and tears rolled down his eyes as the fire burnt out in his grasp.

he suddenly realised,

how easily that these friendships could come and go.

yes, it hurts.

no matter how hard he tried to hold on to them.

they just come and go.

he wondered whether this one would really last.

he was so afraid it wouldnt.

2007-09-24T22:56:00.000+08:00

"you look withdrawn and 'emo' on the outside.
but on the inside, u just long for a hug."

HAHA!

nicholas yau yu hong never fails to make my day! xD

2007-09-17T23:04:00.000+08:00

a storm of light fell upon the rive and he dived under the great illumination,

as the sun had broken the clouds.

he felt the river pulling him further away into the darkness.

now there was only the cold river and him floating in a sudden peacefulness,

away from everything.

2007-09-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

how many times can a man go down and not drown.

2007-08-31T23:16:00.000+08:00

and it all ends up with me.

whose fault. jt.

whose the spoiler. jt.

whose to blame. jt.

fingers all point to me.

guilt starts to sink in.

somehow i feel alienated from this world.

people around me seem to be there.

but its just mindless bodies around me.

if only there was someone to communicate with me the way i do.

rain.

this feeling of letting the raindrops falling on him.

as music blasts into his ears.

lyrics sets in and sinks into his body.

this sense of serenity and peace.

the source of medication to his troubled mind.

an overdose which did not set to kill.

a paradox of worries.

screaming away all his pain into the open rain.

a shelter to his tortured soul.

puddles of water.

they lay on the floor.

his reflection so crystal clear.

a mirror which served as a source of reflection.

over his past actions and consequences.

drenched from head to toe.

basin of water on the sink.

taking a deep breathe.

dunking his troubled mind into his haven.

he slowly opened his eyes.

the vision under water was clear.

the sense of serenity sets in once again.

the source of refuge for his tormented mind.

even if he cried.

there wouldnt be anyone there to scorn at him.

as his tears would be washed away into the majestic ocean.

2007-08-23T23:21:00.000+08:00

deja vu.

being there at the stadium.

with a sea of blue and whites.

except that i wasn't playing,

but supporting.

the c div should have won it.

effortlessly, seriously.

based on their past few matches.

ha. but shit happens.

but seeing them in tears.

it hurts.

reminding me about that loss.

i wanted so badly to comfort my brothers.

but i was at loss for words.

for how long had i been a fool.

let go jt,

just let it go.

2007-08-18T23:21:00.000+08:00

fuck.

i'm tired.

i really am.

6/35 for trigo test.

i've never failed so badly before.

and desmond soh had to rub salt into my wounds by telling me i'm not putting any effort at all.

"ur not putting any effort at all.

look at dj. at least he did not get a single digit even though he failed.

look at you. plain lazy..."

i'm trying.

i'm trying real hard.

nothing's ever enough.

i'm putting in effort.

but i've got no results still.

like as if u know.

fuck you. like as if you know.

maths. chem. physics.

freaking failure.

i'm getting weaker by the day.

when everything feels like the movies,

u bleed just to know you're alive.

2007-08-16T23:21:00.000+08:00

it hurts.

failing four subjects.

time and time again.

and this is time i studied.

what difference did it make.

people laughing and celebrating.

i hate it man.

i tried.

fuck it. i tried.

yet i still have to conceal my tears.

"desmond soh's right.

stay back one more year to play rugby.

ha. isnt that what u wanted?

one more shot at glory.

it meant alot to you right?

what u so pissed off at?

after all ur just fucking dumb.

no matter what you do, you can't get things right."

shut the fuck up jt.

just drop dead and die.

just do so.

you ought to get used to it.

you are never gonna achieve what u aim for.

now thats life boy.

suck it up and take it in.

rearm and prepare for another battle.

but its hard.

countless times i've failed.

i'm numbed, sick and tired,

torn and tattered,

battered and bruised.

how much more blows can i take in life.

someone please throw in the towel.

i'm tired of fighting this losing battle.

ego, pride and courage destroyed.

physically and mentally tortured.

fatigue's setting in.

as more punches are starting to connect with my face.

bloodied and as good as dead.

the ref's starting another countdown to 10.

vision blurs as the crowd jeers.

i've been booed at and spit on since the beginning.

the crowd's cheering for more gory scenes to be entertained.

give up jt, ur never gonna make it.

come on jt, don't give up now.

my mind's giving me life or death,

but i cant choose.

this cloud is constantly hovering over me.

2007-08-15T23:15:00.000+08:00

so the c boys are in to the finals.

am i glad or sad.

and as jealousy rears its ugly head.

why can't it be me.

"yea. u had ur shot.

but u blew it man. Blew It."

am i hoping that they lose or win.

caught in a Dilema.

whether to support my brothers or curse for their downfall.

why do people have the chance to grab the stars and moons in the sky.

leaving me only to marvel at the plain dark night with nothing in sight.

ha. like as if u all understand my sorry plight.

someone please tell me that i'm being selfish.

and as i feel my inner mind talking.

"what did you give to the team?"

"blood, sweat and tears."

"what did they give to you in return?

"..... nothingness."

2007-08-14T22:42:00.000+08:00

and he thought,

"you're a fool, a damn fool, and awful fool,

an idiot, an awful idiot, a damn idiot,

and a fool, a damn fool;

look at the mess and where's the mop,

look at the mess and what do you do?

pride, dammit, and temper,

and you've junked it all,

at the very start you vomit on everyone and on yourself.

but everything at once,

but everything one on top of another.

no excuse, though, no excuse.

a fool, a damn fool, go give yourself up!"

"no, we'll save what we can,

we'll do what there is left to do.

if we have to burn,

let's take a few more with us!"

2007-08-07T20:37:00.001+08:00

hounded by the 'masked men',
he ran into the tunnel.
he could feel their heavy breathing right behind him.
he quickened his pace,
into the dim lighted tunnel.

the end seemed so far yet so near,
as the road seemed to be never ending.
the light at the end was alluring;
yet deceieving.

he was losing his breathe fast,
their grip closing fast on him.
hope was running out,
as pressure was raining down on him.
he felt a sense of hopelessness in him,
as waves of frustrations brought despair and nausea to him.

overwhelmed and drained out,
he dropped to his knees,
looked up and prayed.
but emergency relief never seem to came.

2007-08-05T20:37:00.000+08:00

baybeats 0'7 was a bomb man.

it totally blew me away.

caracal, a vacant affair, plain sunset and deputy siren.

rocking the night away.

moshing, head banging and crowd surfing to the likes of their music.

geez. i'm still reeling from crowd surfing. :)

2007-07-28T21:53:00.000+08:00

the sky darkens,
as lightning flashes.
rain followed as the drops lashed at his back.
he paused momentairily,
catching his breathe.
looking up, raising his palm,
allowing the drops of water to fall on it.
how long was it since he really felt rain.
closing his eyes,
he stuck out his tongue.
As the raindrops met his tongue,
he swore he could almost melt.
It tasted sweet,
the melodious sounds of the raindrops patter.
He then felt the urge,
to dance in the rain and sang with the thunder.

2007-07-27T21:53:00.000+08:00

heh.
i was siting down on the floor waiting for time to pass.
and i kinda noticed people's expressions.
i just realised i had to jot it down somewhere. so here goes:

As the train sped off,
leaving a number of faces in despair behind.
As the stood rooted, frustrated;
staring helplessly at the other side of the door,
right to him.
he stood there looking at thier facial expressions,
as the train gathered speed,
thier faces separated by a single door,
disappeared slowly from him view.
but the images of their faces etched in his mind.

2007-07-25T21:53:00.000+08:00

this world is freaking filled with unfairness.
i swear man.
i studied for chem test and all i got was 12/25.
and guess what.
dj and edwin didnt study and they got higher then me.
whadhefudd.

common tests next week or not.and i dunno whether i'm ready.damn. it seems as though i've studied alot.
but i might be exaggerating.
and i'm shitting in my pants now.

at least today was fun after school.
and dj's house hasnt changed one bit since 3 years ago except for his super crammed room, which has becomed even more crammed because of his drumset.
oh yea. helios is an idiot. i swear! :)

He wanted to die.
He had just stood there, not really trying to save himself,just stood there, joking, needling.
how strange, strange, to want to die so much,
that you let a man walk around armed and then instead of shutting up and staying alive,
you go on yelling at people and making fun of them until you get them mad,
and then...

2007-07-19T21:53:00.000+08:00

so u think ur having a happy life.

or assume that everything is fine.

no worries no troubles no nothing.

well, think again.

are u running away from ur problems.

hoping that everything would be fine after a day.

woes all gone after a sleep.

maybe its because you dont reflect on your life.

the ironic thing is that i do reflect on my life.

and when i do.

thats when everyone starts to call me emo.

2007-07-09T23:34:00.000+08:00

i chanced upon this book on spirtitual science of numerology.

and i'm kinda fascinated by it.

because it describes my personality spot on.

so here goes.

number 8 - number of the infinate.

water element.

the search for God is concluded by finding the Divine within yourself.

Death gives us a serious outlook to life and makes us more careful though by being too active in the negative self of the spirit mind,

we can become over solemn and cautious,

regarding everything as fatalistic.

At the other extreme we run the risk of resignational,

which is a form of phycological suicide.

the imagination is infinate in space and eternal in time so that a lifetime can be felt in a moment and space crossed in a flash.

Sometimes we prefer to keep our ideas as fantasies,

only to be accesed in the world of dreams rather than bringing them down to reality.

Within these qualities is the sadness of the soul's deep yearning,

and when we misunderstand that calling,

it can turn into depression.

Has the faculty of discriminating wisdom,

which can be developed through a relationship with inspired writing.

such writings are like a stream of water running through the pool of the subconciousness,

cleansing, purifying, healing,

and making it possible to see our true nature reflected back.

the correspondence between the element of water

and the emotions of sadness, sorrow, and depression:

water reflects you,

every day you may look into the mirror but it is only to view your persona,

the mask you hold up to look good for the world and at the same time protect yourself from it.

as u soak them up and let them flood through you,

they slowly but steadily clear away the dust that gathers and sticks to you like heavy burdens.

ok. theres more but i shant go into detail.

all this sounds familiar eh?

i often use water to describe my situition in my earlier posts.

2007-06-29T23:34:00.000+08:00

kiwi cup tom.

grudge match against SA and Raffles.

the best from b div and a div chosen to represent the school.

and the odds are against us.

and guess what.

i am most probably starting.

well.

many people would probably wished they were in my position.

being the best and all the shit.

fact is that i'm actually lucky.

ming qi's supposed to be playing.

and yea. i guess he's probably upset.

somethings stopping me.

and i'm having two minds now.

whether i should turn up tom or not.

tuition?

sounds more like an excuse to me.

seems like ur running away from something eh?

its not lennie or bryan koh.

its isnt those a div champions from rjc.

so what exactly is the monster scaring you?

its called fear.

yes. i'm afriad of losing.

how many times have i played my best against them.

and end up wallowing in the gallows.

i've lost far too many times.

defeated, and brought down on my knees.

crippled by fear and anguish.

only being able to look back in defeat.

as forlorn eyes tell my tale.

body's all battered and bruised from these encounters.

yes. losing is my deepest fear.

will i be able to overcome it.

only time will tell.

we shall see tom.

2007-06-28T23:34:00.000+08:00

and i wonder.

what was going through his mind at that point of time.

how much pressure was he in.

how long had he suffered.

how much shit he had kept raging inside.

whatever happened to push him off a cliff.

what made him lose his sanity.

to make him not only end his life.

but also take along the souls of his wife and son with him.

and i ponder.

was suicide the only option left.

how long had he been lying in his bed in anguish, having sleepless nights.

what led to his death?

the truth remains unknown;

as he brought his reasons into the grave with his cold lifeless body.

did he felt that he couldnt talk things out?

maybe he felt that daggers spoke louder than words.

whatever his reasons were.

we will never know.

but i really want to know what was he thinking about at that point to time.

obviously i wouldnt want to experience what he went through.

come to think of it.

i symphatise with those people who take their own lives.

how much they had to endure.

thier courage to face death to end it all.

true. its the wrong option.

but we will never be able to understand these people.

maybe we are one of those who led to suicidal thoughts in their mind.

maybe noone has shown them that they are loved.

until they are dead.

RIP RABID WOLVERINE.

CHRIS BENOIT.

2007-06-26T23:34:00.000+08:00

as he was supposed to be having fun with everyone else.

his friends and companions having the time of their lives.

suddenly he felt as though he was shut down from their world.

a world filled with colours turned dull grey in an instant.

they opened thier mouths to speak.

but nothing seemed to came out.

all he could see was the quivering of their lips.

it felt as though he was from a differant dimension.

he was in black and white.

everything he saw was grey.

he felt left out.

as he could only stop and stare.

when he could feel emptiness slowly creeping towards him.

as it placed its claws on his shoulders.

he was surrounded by walls.

which drowned all sources of sounds.

while the others were oblivious to his predicament which he was in.

he seemed to feel as though he was drifting further and further away from the rest.

being sucked into a powerful vortex.

-snap-

awoken to his senses.

trying to figure out what just happened.

gathering his thoughts.

was the sense of emptiness real?

or was it just his imaginations running wild?

2007-06-15T23:34:00.000+08:00

no one ever said that life was fair.
and I'm not saying that it should be.
so knowing that you are where you want to be,
and I'm not; comes as no surprise.
but don't expect me to be happy for you
and don't smile at me and tell me things will work out for me too.
I don't want your pity...
I hate your pity!

taste your vanity.
its sweet bitterness as you hide behind your veil
of my stolen hopes and lost dreams.
you took them all.
I watched you steal my thoughts
and had to see you smile.

as you build your dreams on my shattered hopes.
I'll look back on a day once loved and fantasize for tragedy.

beg me to make this easier and listen to my hopeless cries.

suffer alone in emptiness.
I lust to see you swallowed by the mess,
that you left in your wake.
disgust lies deep within your empty gaze.

beg me to make this easier
and listen as my hopeless cries.
send stares into your meaningless eyes.

my envy can't describe how I loathe you,
for having all the stars.
leaving my eyes to marvel the sky.
knowing it should be mine.
yet it's you I see wasting the dream that only I deserve.
I'll tear off your face to see your smile.

as you build your dreams on my shattered hopes.
I'll look back on a day once loved and fantasize for tragedy.

congratulations, i hate you.

2007-06-10T01:37:00.000+08:00

Note To Man In The Mirror

as he looked into the mirror,

a figure seemed to slowly appear in front of him.

the image began to form clearer and clearer,

a shape that seemed to familiar to him,

an image that felt so pure,

a figure that was so Real.

it's face was pale and expressionless,

filled with deceit and dissapointment.

body all battered and bruised.

all of a sudden,

the frown dissapeared and turned into a smile.

turning sorrow into joy,

bringing joy to the world.

he stared in disbelief,

as his nemisis seemed to be talking to him.

he was rooted to the earth,

unable to believe that the person whom he hated the most seemed was in front of him.

it reached out its arms,

beckoning him forward to embrace him,

welcoming him into an entirly differant world.

suddenly, there was a strange feeling that erupted from within.

it was a feeling that was warm and indescrbable.

he removed his jacket,

but the warmth was still there,

it was trapped deep within his soul.

he began to feel his mind wandering off again,

into where?

he doesnt know.

all of a sudden,

his mind was flooded with all of his past failures in his life.

tears swelled in his eyes,

as despair and hopelessness began to set in.

that man brought bad memories into his mind.

as a sense of deja vu began to overwhelm him.

he never seemed to have acheived anything in his life, in his cca or achademically.

his whole 4 yrs playing rugby for his school, he never really won anything to his name at all.

he spent his first year as a sub, evern though his team had won,

he could not feel nor share the joy of being a champion.

in his second year,

he was also a mere sub who hardly played at all.

in his third year,

so what if he was named the best and fairest player of the team?

so what if he was the captain?

he still failed to win the title.

being third to make it worse.

his fourth year playing ended up with him having some conflicts with certain people.

they could have won it.

but some people screwed it all up for him.

his results wet downhill straight after streaming in p4.

so what if he was in em1?

he got only a mere 220 for psle.

it was shit compared to what other em1 students had.

secondary school life was just as though hanging from a cliff.

how much he hated the reflection.

nobody knew.

hatred was building up from within,

as vengeance was fuelled by failures and disppointments.

anger burnt glaringly in his soul.

revenge was his for the taking.

as his arch enemy was standing there and smiling.

how much he wanted wipe his smile away.

erase his enemy from this world for good.

the volcano erupted.

as he pictured himself clenching his fists.

dropped his shoulders,

as his fists collided into the reflection's face.

he thought he heard the glass shattered into a million pieces.

knuckles bleeding from the impact.

his enemy grimicing in pain.

however, he could not bring himself to do so.

something else was pulling him back.

an unknown force was stopping him.

he looked at his reflection in the eye.

tears began to roll down his face,

as he choked upon his words.

words flooded his mind,

but they felt meaningless.

guilt and shame gripped him

as his kness dropped to the ground.

face buried into his hands.

he felt fear and anguish.

he longed for someone to be there for him.

but he was surrounded by emptiness.

all of a sudden,

the glass separating the two men seemed to dissapear.

as though a brick wall had just melted away.

it placed its hands on his shoulders,

helping him up,

and finally embraced him with a long hug.

his anger seemed to melt away.

his heart turned from black to red.

his cuts and bruises seemed to heal by its own.

he was saved,

not by a superhero.

but by 'himself'.

someone whom he detested and hated.

minutes ticked by.

as they were still locked in arms.

finally, it took a step back,

waved goodbye and slowly disappeared back into where it came from.

he could have sworn that he saw three words that came out of his mouth.

as he wiped away his tears from his eyes,

went to bed,

to prepare for the challenges that the next day brings.

2007-05-29T23:08:00.000+08:00

after looking through my old posts.

i realised how much i have changed.

the small old me that always seemed so cheerful but never asked questions about life.

and suddenly a metamorphosis takes place.

and poof! theres ur 'emo-kidd' who thinks this damn world is screwed.

i've changed in many ways.

and i realised i'm starting to like the colour black.

look. i'm almost covered in black from head to toe.

black bag, black watch, black sneakers.

ha. and no.

thats not the reason why everyone calls me emo.

its the way i express myself i guess.

i mean. i like to describe scenes.

make it seem as lifelike as possible.

give me a theme and i'll go wild.

words began to form in his mind.

feeling the blood-rushing into his brains;

adrenaline surging through his veins,

as his hand seemed to have a mind of its own.

it inched towards the pencil,

grasping it in his fist tightly.

grip tightened around the 'inspiration'.

he is feeling it.

fingersnaps and brainwaves.

pencil's scribbling on its own.

yea. here he goes for the hundredth time.

going out of his fucking mind.

as the words seemed to form line by line.

can't contain him, he knows he works.

theres no stopping to him now.

mind's going crazy.

emotions flying.

as syllables get pumping.

words on loose leaf,

sheets complete coming.

trying to impress this crowd.

so just sit back and stare in awe.

as this kidd here performs his 'magic'

there you go. :)

2007-05-28T23:08:00.000+08:00

as i layed in bed.

tossing and turning.

trying to get to sleep.

i close both locks below the window.

i close both blinds and turn away.

the clock is ticking.

minutes to midnight.

the 'hands' strike 12.

the room is overcast;

as darkness devours everything in its way.

and the shadows of the day.

will embrace the world in grey.

i look on to see 'its' horrendous claws cast a shadow ahead of me.

as i'm numbed by my thoughts of the past;

which relentlessly haunts me.

it's icy cold grip;

refusing to let me slip.

i feel myself slowly being drained away.

as its time for my debts to pay.

and once again the sense of deja vu takes place.

as i'm brought back to the past failures that i had been.

past losses, failures. everything seemed to happen instantly in front of me.

suddenly this strange feeling erupted from within.

was it a sense of anger, hopelessness or determination?

and i could only lie there helplessly as i wait for light to shine on my face.

this bright light represented hope.

for which i never knew what tommorrow brings.

all of a sudden i realised how long have i been standing here screaming,"fuck this damn world."

shouldnt it be a time i start doing something about it.

2007-05-20T23:08:00.000+08:00

and parents assume that they know everything.

and that everthing they do or say is right.

more tuitions, naggings blah blah blah.

and now she has paid 2000 dollars for some dumb course for me.

superteens?

ha. a waste of time and money rather.

yea. tuitions help u in subjects where ur weaker at.

naggings irks but motivates you.

everything is for the good for me and my future.

but haven u thought about how would i feel?

why do i need for all these tuitions and dumb courses?

am i really that stupid?

inferiority once again, to the rest.

they dont depend on these stuff for them to do well.

so what makes u sure it will help me?

i know i can study on my own.

its just that i lack motivation.

and i'm lazy.

and i'm telling you now its going to be a waste of ur money.

cuz i have negative thinkings already even before the course.

i'm not looking forward to it.

in fact i wanna avoid talking about it.

write a letter to tell them everything about me and how i feel towards this camp?

maybe i should just give them the url to my blog.

ha. that should do.

and they say that superheroes come and rescue u when ur in need.

superman would destroy falling boulders with his laser eyes.

batman would use his gadgets and prevent the baddies from hurting others.

spidey would swing by and web up all villains and hurl them into the sea.

heh. but where's my superhero when i'm in my darkest hour?

who is the one destroying the immense pressure thats falling on me?

i'm feeling as though my back's gonna break under it.

whose saving me from failures?

noone.

are they busy rescuing others?

or am i forgotten and alienated from this world?

i could be stuck here for a thousand years without ur arms to pull me out.

oh no wait.

i've got my superhero.

its buried deep within my heart and soul.

its magnificent powers awaiting to be unleashed.

i am my own superhero.

talk about spidey.

black suit; differant personas.

sounds familiar eh?

the two sides which existed but never met.

ok. i think i'm starting to crap.

my train of thoughts are broken.

so i shall stop here.

where's my superhero?

2007-05-15T21:50:00.001+08:00

freaking failure.

and i've never ever failed so badly before in my whole entire life.

F9 for physics maths maybe history and probably chem.

beat that.

ha.

fuck. i'm still standing here screaming about what a fucked up life i have.

or isit just me.

being paranoid and all.

probably letting my mind wander around.

and the last thing i ever need is someone to pity me.

i dont need any of that shit.

just stay out of my life and i'll be glad.

you know what?

i think you all ought to just leave me alone.

i've disappointed my mother once again.

utter failure.

bracing myself for here comes the cold water.

the excruciating pain was intense;

as the waves collided into me.

engulfed by these cold torrential waves;

swept further and further away by the ferocious currents;

as i felt myself being pulled down by some unknown force.

its unbeatable strength and is relentlessly pulling me down.

hope was slowly vanishing from within.

darkness surrounds me.

seconds ran by.

minutes and hours ticked by.

days passed.

and i'm still trapped down under.

was i dead?

no response.

it seemed as though i was dead but alive.

my vision was blurred but i could see.

i felt every ounce of me screaming out;

but the sound was trapped deep within.

all i wanted just sped right past me.

as i was stood rooted to this earth.

suddenly i'm bombarded by voices in my head.

voices of people whom i'm close to.

voices of my friends.

nevertheless. their words made no sense to me.

all of a sudden i awoke.

the birds singing in the sky.

the brilliance of the glaring sun lit on my face.

i felt so free and full of life.

was this a dream?

or was this the reality.

how long had i been asleep?

2007-05-08T23:08:00.000+08:00

i had it man.

yea. i'm fucking stupid.

yea. i'm a fucking failure.

yea. i cry after every paper that i do badly.

fuck u all.

fuck those bastards who laugh.

just fuck off and die.

i had enough man.

go on.

laugh. make fun of me.

whatever.

fuck u.

how much i wish for school to be over quickly each day.

yea. i dun have to face all those bastards.

fuck. just erase me from this fucking world.

2007-05-03T22:12:00.000+08:00

fuck it.

i'm just a total bum.

whom God chose to give me a life thats a total flop.

screw the mid yrs.

its already a F9 for physics.

maths and chem is a sure fail.

i left my fucking history notes in school and have nth to study.

fuck.

go on.

scorn at me.

laugh at me.

who am i anyway?

fuck u all.

who am i blaming now for all this.

God?

no. i'm not a christian.

for i have doubts in him.

why did he even bother to make me just to break me apart.

why does he bother to put me through all this trials and obstacles.

while the others are having such a great life.

screw rugby.

yea. the finals and nat trials

it may not mean anything to u.

but its everything to me.

its my fucking credibility.

its what makes everyone knows me.

instead what do i get.

ha. do i have to emphasize much more?

just leave me alone.

i'm fucking fine without any of u.

i'm screwed.

and my mum wants me to go to some fucking course.

like as though i'm a fucking retard who cant study.

yea. fuck this life of mine.

i dun need any presents this yr.

all i wish for is for things to get better.

2007-04-28T00:07:00.000+08:00

screw the damn hair.

go on.

laugh.

fuck u all.

fuck this world.

fuck everyone.

what more do u want from me.

u might as well take my life away.

Two roads... split off from here, and my life goes running in opposite directions.
Exaggerating the barrier between who I am, and who I want to be.

I wanted to be that breath of fresh air,
When everything smelled so insincere.
But this taste still lingers in my mouth,
Deceit has ways of sticking around.
And I'm ready to disappear,
Vacation seems far, seems far from here.

Note to self: I miss you terribly.
This is what we call a tragedy.
Come back to me, come back to me, to me.

I can feel my mind, wandering again.
Into where I don't know, and will I ever get home?
Time starts moving, faster than I can.
And I'm sick of this scene, I need to break the routine.